


oh, this is what the sun feels like

by tigerlo



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: F/F, a touch of vanessa's insecurity, and a big drop of fluffy comfort, canon add-in scene
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-04
Updated: 2019-03-04
Packaged: 2019-11-09 08:08:58
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,270
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17998121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tigerlo/pseuds/tigerlo
Summary: The scene immediately after Vanessa confronts Cain in the street over kissing Charity.





	oh, this is what the sun feels like

**Author's Note:**

> Hi team, 
> 
> I know this is about a month after the actual scene aired but good grief I've struggled to find any time to edit any of my writing to post it. 
> 
> So, hopefully it's not too late and irrelevant because it's always been an interesting dynamic for me: this idea that Vanessa knows she's better for Charity than Cain is, but that in a way she's always been a bit overwhelmed by the sheer amount of history they have anyway.
> 
> Enjoy x

-

 

“Babe, what the hell were you thinking?” 

 

Charity’s voice is shrill when Vanessa walks ahead of her into the back room of the pub. She can feel the warmth of her body close to her back, moving away only slightly when she lingers to slam the door shut on their way through. 

 

“No strenuous physical activity at all, isn’t that what the doctor specifically told us?” Charity growls, walking around Vanessa’s body to look at her when Vanessa refuses to turn. “I don’t know about you,” she adds, “but where I come from, almost lamping someone ten times bigger than you probably crosses that line.”

 

Vanessa tried to focus on the way Charity’s eyes look more scared than angry, but it’s hard. Her hands are still shaking, and her stomach hurts something hellish, and her heart is still in her throat, because for a good second she thought Cain might take a step forward and do something in the full view of the street, witnesses or not. 

 

His mocking tone rings in her ears too, racketing around in her head harshly. She already knows what he thinks of her; that she’s weak, that she’s no match for Charity Dingle and her fury and fire. That she’s too soft to understand anything about them and their family. That when it comes to what Charity needs, she’ll never really be enough. 

 

“Mum? Are you back-“

 

Debbie pulls up short when she walks into the room, eyeing the tension between the two of them warily. She hovers at the door, not properly crossing into the room, looking to her mother for some sort of lead. 

 

“Give us a minute, eh?” Charity asks her, stepping around Vanessa to address Debbie, “go and see Marlon out front, he’ll pour you a pint and I’ll come get you when we’re-“

 

“No, it’s fine,” Vanessa says past a still-clenched jaw. “Stay here, I’ll go upstairs.”

 

The material of her jacket swishes past Charity’s as she moves from the room, her throat and eyes burning with pain and embarrassment and anger and frustration. 

 

By the time she reaches the top of the stairs, it hits her all at once. She saw him and she saw red. She snapped, in front of Charity. Just like he used to. Just like he  _ does _ . 

 

She’s half-hoping Charity doesn’t follow her up, or that she can at least get the door shut before Charity makes it into the room, but she’s got no chance with the speed of her climb or the way she has to clutch the handrail on the way up. 

 

Charity’s arm’s wrap around her waist and cup her elbow before she reaches the top, her breath a warm rush against the back of Vanessa’s neck. 

 

“I don’t need help,” Vanessa sighs in frustration, not at Charity but at herself, at everything, at Cain for making her act like a petulant child, and her stupid body for failing her. 

 

She doesn’t fight Charity’s help though, she leans gratefully back into her strong hold rather than away from it as she walks Vanessa to their room. 

 

“Yes, you do,” Charity says stubbornly, taking a good deal of Vanessa’s weight as she helps her limp over to the bed. 

 

Vanessa winces sharply as she sits on the edge, dropping her head and letting the pain overwhelm her for a moment before she lifts her chin and meets Charity’s eye. 

 

“Babe, what were you thinking?” Charity asks, her eyes glistening as she looks down at Vanessa with her hands on her hips. 

 

She knows there’s no disgust in Charity’s voice but Vanessa’s tears well to the point of falling and the shame makes her cheeks pink, regardless. “I’m sorry,” Vanessa swallows, wiping angrily at a stray tear. “Charity, I’m so sorry, I should never have-“

 

“You’re damn right you shouldn’t have,” Charity says tersely, making Vanessa’s throat close even tighter. “No sudden movements, no running, no throwing your weight about. Christ, Ness, you could have really hurt yourself.”

 

“It’s not-“ Vanessa chokes out. “Not  _ me _ . I should never have done  _ that _ , not in front of you, or Debbie.” 

 

She stops to take a breath, wringing her hands together in an attempt to ease the ache in her chest. Vanessa knows that what she wants to say is likely to make this all much worse but she needs it out, she needs it exorcised, so she takes a deep breath and walks into it anyway. 

 

“I just hate him,“ Vanessa grits almost inaudibly, biting the inside of her lip. “I’m sorry if that sounds harsh, or unreasonable, but I really do. Who does he think he is to do something like that to you? To try and kiss you or put his hands on you after everything he’s done. It’s like…” she pauses, takes a breath, tries to steady herself, “it’s like he still thinks you’re  _ his _ , after everything he’s done and everything he’s put you through. And now I’m no bloody better than him, yelling in the street, ready to throw a punch and knock out as many teeth as I can. I feel like a fool, Charity, and I’m so sorry.”

 

She waits for the sigh or huff or something to signal Charity’s stretching patience, but it doesn’t happen. Instead, Charity drops to her knees between Vanessa’s thighs without saying a word. She shuffles forwards until they’re close enough for Charity to slide her hands around Vanessa’s hips, squeezing gently. 

 

“You listen to me, Vanessa Woodfield,” Charity says firmly, tightening her grip until Vanessa looks her in the eye. “You are nothing like him. Nothing. Do you think once, in the history of our relationship, that he’s ever had a reaction like that to someone who tried it on? He’ll hit anyone who so much as looks at me but it’s because he thought they were gonna make a move for his property. It was never in defence of me. It was never in defence of my non-existent virtue, it was always selfish and to his own end.”

 

She reaches up to push a little flyaway hair back into Vanessa’s ponytail, her hand brushing another tear off Vanessa’s cheek before it flattens against her palm. 

 

“You told me the other night that I was good enough for you, didn’t you? Well, I’m telling you once and for all that you’re enough for me. Christ, babe, how could you ever think you don’t give me what he could?” There’s a smile in Charity’s eyes as she talks that helps lift the weight off Vanessa’s chest some before she continues. “I can barely keep my hands off you whether we’re alone or not, you’re kind and hot-headed, you speak your mind, and you try with my kids, all of them, even when they’re horrible which I know is almost always. You love every part of me, even the parts I’ll never love myself. You’ve never  _ once _ judged me for any part of my past. Ness, what more could I want?”

 

Charity’s tone is strong and sure and her eyes are sparkling but the doubt is still so heavy in Vanessa’s gut. “I’m not a bad boy like him though,” Vanessa says with a weak shrug. “I’m too good. I’m boring.”

 

“That little display out there looked pretty bad to me, babe,” Charity winks, clicking her tongue before she gives Vanessa a little nudge. “And there’s not a boring thing about you, not even your slightly weak tea. Look, he said the same thing to me out there before, yeah? Asked me if I was really happy with my Little-Miss-Sunshine. And you know what? I am. Because you are everything I want and need, Ness. And everything I never knew I needed or wanted, too.”

 

“But I’m not-“ Vanessa starts, shaking her head dismissively. 

 

“Yeah, and that’s why I love you,” Charity says ardently, scooting even closer to her. “Why the hell would I want a drunk, violent, reactive idiot who thinks I am what they made me and nothing better? Why would I ever want that when I know I could have someone like you? Be wanted and loved by someone like you?”

 

Charity’s hands slide from around her backside, taking both of Vanessa’s and intertwining their fingers in her lap, her forearms draped over Vanessa’s thighs. 

 

“We’re done; him and me,” Charity says as she looks her in the eye. “We weren’t for a long time, but you know why that was? Because I didn’t think I was worth any better and he always wanted me. Or wanted what I could give him,” she adds harshly.  “That’s it, though babe. Not because I still love him, even though I thought I did for a long time, right up until you locked us in that cellar actually. But that’s not love, whatever was between him and me, and it never really was. Didn’t understand then, but I know different now, don’t I?”

 

“You do deserve so much more than what he gave you,” Vanessa says around a lump in her throat. She closes her eyes and leans forward, bumping her forehead gently against Charity’s. “You deserve more than what everyone else has ever given you.”

 

“Yeah, well you keep harping on at me about that so I figure it must be true,” Charity says dryly, the corners of her mouth turned up in a smile.  “Naggy little voice of yours works, apparently.”

 

“Course it does,” Vanessa hiccups. “You’re sure though?” she asks one last time, “that you won’t get sick of me, because you said you know, that you would, way back in the beginning.”

 

“You know I didn’t mean that,” Charity replies softly. “Still couldn’t leave you alone even after I said that, could I? I was scared, babe. Scared of how much I felt for you. It was easier to make it hard for you and push you away than it was to actually accept how I felt.”

 

“Promise?” Vanessa asks, tightening her grip on Charity’s hand. 

 

She batters down the height of her insecurity most of the time because it’s easy to find reassurance in Charity’s touch now, of the way she always reaches for her regardless of who’s around. She only ever runs towards Vanessa and not away, and she knows that’s not insignificant. The thing that hamstrings her in spite of that is the sheer amount of history that she and Cain have; decades of it in fact. 

 

“Thing is, Ness,” Charity starts quietly, pushing back so she can look Vanessa in the eye, “you make everything exciting. All the mundane domestic stuff like getting up in the morning, and making the boys breakfast and corralling them into something clean, and folding the flippin’ washing. All of it is fun, because of you. I do all of that with a smile on my face like some kind of lunatic because of you, as well as everything else that’s actually conveniently fun.”

 

“I don’t think it’s called  _ getting up  _ when it takes us an hour to leave the bed because you keep dragging me back here,” Vanessa mutters, allowing the hesitant look on her face to turn into a small smile. 

 

“Oi, I don’t hear you complaining,” Charity objects with a quick frown. “Make a few other sounds, you do, but I don’t think any of ‘em are you not wanting to be there.” 

 

“Was that a complaint? Because I can  _ stop _ making them if you want,” Vanessa smirks, raising an eyebrow, the nip of humour making Charity laugh out loud. 

 

“You know I don’t. Cheeky cow,” Charity mumbles before she pulls Vanessa to her, their hands squishing a little awkwardly between their bodies. 

 

The slightly sharp point of her engagement ring digs into her chest as Charity leans back enough to kiss her but not to put any additional space between them. She’s already forgotten what it felt like not to have a physical show of Charity’s commitment there, but not enough that the novelty of being reminded of its presence isn’t still a thrill. 

 

It’s awkward, the way Charity’s hands wind round hers and hold them together at that point, but it’s not uncomfortable; it’s real and solid and true and the first touch of Charity’s lips takes her breath away just like it did so many months ago now. 

 

“I love you, Vanessa Woodfield, and every inch of that fire in your heart,” Charity murmurs against her before her tongue brushes Vanessa’s. “There’s no competition between you and anyone else, and there never will be.”

 

“I love you right back, Charity Dingle. And I should bloody well hope not,” Vanessa says with a bristle that dissolves the second Charity kisses her again. 

 

There’s a beat where they lose themselves before Charity pulls back suddenly, quick enough for it to be almost jarring, and Vanessa stares at her in confusion as she waits for an explanation. “You are aware of your actual size, aren’t you?” Charity asks with a serious look on her face, only the tiniest turn of her lips giving away the humour in her question. “You know you’re not actually as tall as any of the men you seem so intent on taking on?”

 

“Height isn’t everything,” Vanessa replies defensively, straightening her back as much as the ache in her stomach will allow. “Swept you off your feet, didn’t I? I’m a head shorter than you and I managed that just fine.” 

 

Charity laughs again, the sound throaty and loud and wholly warming. “That you did, babe,” Charity smiles when she tugs Vanessa gently into a hug, settling firmly against the juncture of her thighs as she wraps her arms around Vanessa’s shoulders. She nuzzles into the warmth of Vanessa’s neck before she pulls away, speaking into it. “And I do love that you act like you’re six foot tall, but promise me you’ll be careful, eh? Because I don’t know what I’d do if you made this any worse.” 

 

Vanessa nods in recognition of what Charity’s asking of her and one of her hands moves down Vanessa’s arm as she pulls back. It rests gently on her hip and well away from the wound but it still takes everything in Vanessa not to flinch. 

 

“Does it hurt?” Charity asks her as her hand slips under Vanessa’s jumper, her thumb brushing gently over unmarred skin. 

 

“It’s fine,” Vanessa tries to shrug flippantly, not wanting to worry Charity any more than she already is, but the movement trips the limit of her masked pain and she winces in spite of her best effort to hide it. 

 

Charity rolls her eyes, stilling the movement of her thumb. “It’s not, is it?” she asks with a raised eyebrow. 

 

“It’s a bit sore,” Vanessa replies breathlessly, biting her lip as another wave of pain rushes over her. She closes her eyes and tenses her jaw in anticipation of Charity’s reprimand but it doesn’t come. 

 

“A bit, or a lot?” Charity asks instead, her hand moving to the small of Vanessa’s back. “Honestly?” 

 

“A lot,” Vanessa says begrudgingly. “It wasn’t just that little show of stupidity outside though, I promise, it just doesn’t stop aching.”

 

“Well then you should-“ Charity starts before she cuts herself off. She shakes her head in some sort of internal reprimand before she looks up to Vanessa with a much softer expression. “Well then,” she says in a calmer voice, “we should get you all comfied up here in bed, eh?” 

 

“Charity, no,” Vanessa replies, trying to shrug off Charity’s protective glare. “I need to-“

 

“You don’t need to do anything, babe,” Charity says firmly. Her other hand moves to brush Vanessa’s cheek again. “Nothing other than rest, yeah? They were the actual doctor’s orders, remember, not just mine.” 

 

“I’m bored stiff of resting though,” Vanessa whines, moving into Charity’s touch. “I’m sick of sitting on my backside and having everyone wait on me. I’m sick of being useless.”

 

“Well, there’s an easy fix to that. I’d best stay here and keep you company,” Charity says simply. She smiles broadly as she looks at Vanessa, clearly pleased with her decision. 

 

“You can’t,” Vanessa objects, gesturing weakly towards the door with her chin, “you have to-“

 

“I don’t have to do anything either,” Charity says resolutely, “you’re my fiancée, babe, my duty is here with you.” She stands as she speaks, kicking her shoes off before she settles up by the head of the bed, waiting for Vanessa to join her. 

 

“What about Debbie?” Vanessa frowns, twisting her body gently so she can look at Charity. “You need to talk to her, she looked like it was urgent.”

 

“She can wait,” Charity replies easily, shrugging before she reaches out towards Vanessa. “Look, give me your phone and I’ll tell her I’ll come and find her later. Mine’s on the table downstairs.”

 

“Ask if it’s urgent first, will you?” Vanessa tries to reason as she reaches in her pocket. “Because I-“

 

“Because you are my priority, and I want her to leave us well alone for a few hours?” Charity asks firmly, stopping to look up from Vanessa’s phone mid-message. “Bang on, babe.”

 

Vanessa crosses her arms over her chest and frowns at Charity, waiting until she glances up again from the screen before speaking. “Charity, I don’t need mothering,” she says crossly, her skin prickling slightly in annoyance. 

 

“No, but you need someone to make sure you don’t go off looking for a fight. And….” she trails off, dropping Vanessa’s phone in her lap before she pats the space next to her. “And maybe I need some time here with you too. Look, Ness, do you think I like holding my breath every time you stand up, waiting to see if you’ll hurt yourself? No, so just give me an hour or two where I can sit next to you and make sure you stay still so I don’t have to worry, please?” 

 

It’s the earnest and slightly exhausted look on her face that does it, reducing the last hint of Vanessa’s stubbornness to nothing and making her sigh in defeat.  

 

Not only that, Vanessa thinks as she tries to unzip her coat, smiling when Charity lunges forward to help her when the zip sticks, but the idea of doing nothing but sitting propped with Charity’s arm around her and her head on Charity’s shoulder, uninterrupted, sounds sweeter than anything else she could imagine at present. 

 

She’s been slightly surprised by Charity’s level of concern over the last week or so. She’s been over-attentive to the point of annoying at times, and as much as Vanessa might grumble her frustration, it’s beyond touching actually. It’s beyond the level of care she’s ever had from a partner before, and it’s beyond the level of care she ever thought Charity would have the patience to show. 

 

Vanessa holds her torso reasonably motionless as Charity helps to pull the sleeves of her jacket off before tossing it over the end of the bed. She eases Vanessa’s trousers down her legs, the tips of her fingers brushing over her skin lightly before Vanessa’s only left in her knickers and a comfortable top. 

 

“Are you sick of doing this for me?” Vanessa asks with a slightly embarrassed blush as Charity throws the blanket back and fluffs a couple of pillows against the headboard. 

 

“I’m sick of you asking me whether I’m sick of it yet,” Charity sighs. She stands up with her hands on her hips, watching as Vanessa pulls the stretchy hem of her top down over her waist. “Babe, look, I know it’s frustrating but just… let me take care of you, will you? I don’t mind it half as much as I thought I would and it… well, it makes me feel useful, yeah? Like I can do something to help you and not just run away from you actually needing help.”

 

She knows Charity doesn’t need a rehash of her  _ you have nothing to feel guilty about _ speech, she just needs to roll her sleeves up and do something, and if she’s honest, she needs the affection just as much as Charity needs to give it. 

 

“Well, I suppose you’d better get comfortable too,” Vanessa sighs softly. “Because I’m not gonna want to move once I get settled in and glue myself to you.” 

 

Charity’s answering smile just about splits her face it’s that wide, and she starts hastily pulling off a few of her outer layers until she’s in a similar state of half-dress. “Better?” Charity asks, gesturing down to her bare legs. 

 

“Much,” Vanessa replies, swaying on her feet lightly, smiling when Charity takes her side quickly and helps her towards the bed. 

 

“Let me have a quick look before you get in,” Charity says with her arm around Vanessa’s middle, helping to lower her so she can perch on the edge again. 

 

“No, you don’t have to,” Vanessa shakes her head. “It’s not-“

 

“Bit of blood isn’t gonna scare me off, Ness,” Charity says with a surprisingly pragmatic tone, kneeling between Vanessa’s thighs again. “Here,” she says as she lifts the hem of Vanessa’s top up, giving the end to her to hold so she can inspect Vanessa’s stomach with both hands. “Well,” she says after a few moments, tenderly touching the outside of the dressing. “I don’t think you’ve pulled a stitch but you’ve definitely roughed them up a bit. Does it feel alright, or do you want me to change the dressing?”

 

“Maybe later?” Vanessa asks weakly as a wave of fatigue hits her, “I don’t know if I could-“

 

“Later it is,” Charity nods, finishing the sentence so Vanessa doesn’t have to. She ducks her head and presses a whisper-light kiss at the edge of the dressing before straightening up and taking Vanessa’s top from her hands. “Right, lady,” she directs, throwing her chin over Vanessa’s shoulder towards the pillows. “Bed.” 

 

She hates having to ask but her arms feel like they’re made of lead and everything hurts again so she turns to Charity with a frown. “Can you help me?” 

 

“Yeah, babe,” Charity says softly, her eyes a little watery as a wave of something like surprise washes over her features. “Course I can.”

 

She knows how good this is for Charity as well as her, having someone openly trust her enough to depend on her in such a moment of weakness, to ask for her help when she’s not strong enough to stand. She knows that it’s not a small thing, not something Charity wouldn’t understand the magnitude of, so she happily allows her heart to swell as Charity’s hands help inch her back towards the pillows, tucking the blankets gently in around her sides when she settles comfortably into place. 

 

Charity hovers a little uncertainty at the side of the bed until Vanessa narrows her eye and pats the space next to her, just like she had done in the hospital room. “I’m not staying here unless you’re next to me,” Vanessa says in no uncertain terms. “Please, Charity,” she adds when Charity doesn’t show any hint of moving.

 

“Still demanding and bossy, I see. At least you didn’t get a personality transplant while you were under,” Charity grumbles as she finally takes a step towards the bed, kneeling on the edge. “You’ll tell me if I-“

 

“I promise,” Vanessa says patiently. “Just come here, will you?” She flips back the covers to make room for Charity, raising an eyebrow until Charity sighs and makes a move towards her. 

 

She waits to climb entirely into bed until Vanessa’s accepted the bottle of painkillers and water from her bedside table, taking an extra gulp when the pills stick in her throat. 

 

Charity is capable of a softness when she wants to be that Vanessa thinks only people who have experienced and endured the exact opposite of are capable of demonstrating. It’s not something she shows the world, only Vanessa and the boys on occasion, but it’s present between them now as Charity shuffles into place beside her. 

 

Vanessa’s thigh seeks the warmth of Charity’s as she moves closer, drawing herself right up against Vanessa at her beckoning. She lifts her arm as she leans back against the headboard and Vanessa tucks herself into the crook of Charity’s body without another word, sighing when she drops her head onto Charity’s chest. 

 

“You’re a right maniac for going anywhere near him in the state he’s in,” Charity berates softly, pressing a kiss to the top of Vanessa’s head. “But I love you to bits for even thinking of it.”

 

“We look out for each other,” Vanessa sighs, following the line of Charity’s arm where it drapes over her shoulder, threading her fingers through Charity’s. “We look after each other.”

 

“Yeah, babe,” Charity says as her spare hand finds the ring on Vanessa’s finger, the pad of her thumb brushing over the proud diamond in the middle. She brings Vanessa’s hand to her lips, pressing a gentle kiss to each finger and over the bruise where the IV line in her hand was. “We do.” 

 

“You’ll stay with me?” Vanessa sighs, suddenly sleepy. She feels all the air and tension and exhaustion leave her as she soaks up the warmth radiating off of Charity. 

 

“I mean, it depends how big that inevitable drool puddle gets, but-“ 

 

“Charity.”

 

“Course I’ll stay with you,” Charity laughs softly, squeezing her arm around Vanessa’s shoulders. The last sentiment is so quiet that Vanessa barely hears it. It’s whispered to the crown of her head almost reverently. 

 

“I’ll be here forever if you’ll have me, babe.”

  
  


-

**Author's Note:**

> [tumblr](http://tigerlo.tumblr.com),  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/tigerlo_) etc.


End file.
